Sometimes we blame ourselves for things even when it's clearly not our fault, because it helps us feel less vulnerable. Our fault = in control. But we don't have to do that.
I saw this somewhere this year. I can't recall the source, but it made a sufficiently strong impression on me that I wrote this down in my notebook:
"...blaming yourself...protects you from seeing how vulnerable you were and are. You can become the powerful one. If it's your fault, it's - at some strange level - under your control."
It got me thinking:
Is that why I'm always over-enthusiastic about taking some blame or responsibility when bad things happen, even when it's completely not my fault? This really struck a cord because I'm someone who likes to feel in control, even in situations when there was nothing much I could do. Being someone with a bias for action, helplessness is one thing I don't accept readily. I think at it's root, it's the fear of being/feeling vulnerable, and my bias for action rears up in perverse ways to help cope with that deep anxiety.
That I could have done something to prevent it. That while it's not my fault, there were things I could have done before/after that would have made things better.
But it doesn't need to be this way. I can feel in control yet allow myself to feel vulnerable.
So, reminder words to self: "It's OKAY to feel vulnerable and helpless at times. Being aware is a great first step. Tend to those uncomfortable feelings with the gentle embrace of mindfulness. Say it out loud, to myself, or to others, that I'm feeling vulnerable right now and it sucks. Say it. Use my voice. Acknowledge it. It makes so much of a difference. By tending to it mindfully, I can let the feelings of vulnerability be there yet still be in control."
🔥 Day 24 of the #200wad challenge.