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Jul 03, 2019 14:48:21

Trigger warning

by @twizzle PATRON | 374 words | 194🔥 | 202💌

Twizzle

Current day streak: 194🔥
Total posts: 202💌
Total words: 71342 (285 pages 📄)

This might be a bit triggering if you are feeling low.  So be warned.

Admission: I think about suicide quite a lot.

However, 99.9% of the time, not thoughts that would make me go and jump in front of the nearest train - which is good?  right? .. right?

The main way I think about it is for when I am predicting being told I have cancer or some horrid disease.  I have half a plan in my mind of what I might do, faced with that information.  Of course, I am fulfilling the usual "I don't want to be a burden on my family" or that I feel it would be easier to face it on my own, or not have to face it at all.

I have a plan.  It is not gory or violent and won't hurt anyone else.  But I kind of know how it will go down.  But.  I guess you never know how you will react until the situation arises and it's either time to put up or shut up.

I have no need to feel this way.  I am healthy.  Probably the healthiest I have ever been.  But there is still that nagging feeling that those aches and pains are more than just desk driving war-scars of the late 40's IT professional.  It is more likely that my hips and lower back ache from sitting too long (or running too far) rather than bowel cancer.  Plus, I have blood tests to prove it.  It still does not prevent anxiety.

When people mention things in the future, I often think privately "I will be dead by then...".  I am not sure why, but it is usually the first thing that springs to mind.

Again.  Depression.  It's there, no matter how much I think it has left me, or that my wife thinks I am "cured".

I hope it will never come to carrying out any plans.  It all depends on the situation.  How, when, where and why.

Perhaps it would just be easier to pretend to die.  Just leave to roam the countryside, falling in with a band of travelling hippies and bliss out on magic mushroom tea until I turn into compost too.

Am I being selfish?  I can't tell.

  • 1

    @twizzle - I think it's a thinker's coping mechanism. I've had similar thoughts, but then always think -- why would I commit suicide if I'm just going to die anyway, may as well wait until the credits roll.

    Brian Ball avatar Brian Ball | Jul 03, 2019 10:26:35
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