I write expositions a lot here on 200WAD about personal values, dignity, hypocrisy, society, and goodness. I pontificate as if I'm infallible. Lambaste, expound, admonish, reproach, remonstrate on diatribes and tirades. But lurking underneath is a deep sense of insecurity. I don't trust myself and always harbor doubts about my decisions while maintaining a composed exterior.
Something happened to me today that really really shook me to my core, making me doubt everything I ever stood for, revealing the consequences of my insecurity. I guess I never knew that I've been riding a high wave for a long time during my life. This has been a long and stressful ordeal to the extent that it has affected me physically. My stomach has felt sunken since it happened, and my appetite, lost.
I never experienced this simultaneity of shame, regret, and anger. Having never suffered significant losses in my life, this moment today made me realize that I really could not have been empathizing with those in unfortunate circumstances that I read about during the news everyday, if this is a fragment of how they feel. I'm a hypocrite because I'm entering a phase in my life that represents the previous apathy "until it happens to you."