There is this sadness. It feels like ingrained into my body. It is just there. It can be the best day, full of Sun, love, joy, sweetness... and yet, the moment I take my gaze off that Sun, that love, that joy, I can see, in the corner of my eye, a shadow. And the moment I encounter it, I feel heaviness seeping into me. It enters my cells, making EACH of them weightier. And I feel this pull... dooooown....
But there are also tranquil joy and patient happiness. As if I knew, that everything is the way it's supposed to be. That this life is the best life. That this man is the best man in the world (for me) and that the relationship is the best relationship we can have. And actually, I FEEL HAPPY.
I have long been wondering which of these two is the inner core of me, and which is the outer? ("The mantle", as we can all imagine, is all the daily struggling and scruffling and boinging.)
Which is THE REAL ME? And which is just the wrapping?
But... Maybe... Fortunately... Unfortunately... IT ALL IS ME.
Maybe I cannot choose, cannot discriminate.