I am writing this in secret.
The kids are busy, the wife is in the shower, I have 10 minutes to grab my laptop and sneak in 200 words.
But why do I feel like this, like I am not allowed to take time and do things for myself anymore? I feel guilty or that I am doing something wrong. It's odd.
I was talking about it with my friend (the same friend who I pretended to write letters to when I was journalling) yesterday. Having my own space and time to be my "authentic self" is hard. I feel restricted to just doing things for others or being there for their needs - mine come a long way down the list, past feeding the cat and cleaning the toilet.
Some weekends, I feel I should be writing (I own several websites) but get stuck in the armchair not doing anything. I often feel that this is because, at any moment, I will be asked to help do something or drive to deliver/collect the aforementioned children. I also feel that there is too much to do and it is easier to do nothing.
The garden needs tidying, the window frames need painting, vacuuming, washing, cleaning, shopping - the list goes on and on. Where does the time for me to write or be creative or be "me" come in there? A snatched 5 minutes does not cut it.
I am no longer my "authentic self", nothing like I was when I was a teenager or older. I suspect people who know me might disagree but I feel like I have lost myself along the family/career/life journey.
Sure, life gets in the way of things. Stuff needs to be done. I get that - it's part of modern life. But when it takes over, that's when the problems creep in and override everything else.
Time to sign off. I hear noises upstairs that mean I will be interrupted shortly and I also need to make lunch and think about cleaning the bathroom. I will then be called to collect a child and then it will be back to the armchair, checking the football scores and drinking too much tea, chastising myself for not doing anything, again.