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Apr 06, 2019 12:47:55

Secret writing

by @twizzle PATRON | 374 words | 166🔥 | 174💌

Twizzle

Current day streak: 166🔥
Total posts: 174💌
Total words: 61832 (247 pages 📄)

I am writing this in secret.

The kids are busy, the wife is in the shower, I have 10 minutes to grab my laptop and sneak in 200 words.

But why do I feel like this, like I am not allowed to take time and do things for myself anymore?  I feel guilty or that I am doing something wrong.  It's odd.

I was talking about it with my friend (the same friend who I pretended to write letters to when I was journalling) yesterday.  Having my own space and time to be my "authentic self" is hard.  I feel restricted to just doing things for others or being there for their needs - mine come a long way down the list, past feeding the cat and cleaning the toilet.

Some weekends, I feel I should be writing (I own several websites) but get stuck in the armchair not doing anything.  I often feel that this is because, at any moment, I will be asked to help do something or drive to deliver/collect the aforementioned children.  I also feel that there is too much to do and it is easier to do nothing.

The garden needs tidying, the window frames need painting, vacuuming, washing, cleaning, shopping - the list goes on and on.  Where does the time for me to write or be creative or be "me" come in there?  A snatched 5 minutes does not cut it.

I am no longer my "authentic self", nothing like I was when I was a teenager or older.  I suspect people who know me might disagree but I feel like I have lost myself along the family/career/life journey.

Sure, life gets in the way of things.  Stuff needs to be done.  I get that - it's part of modern life.  But when it takes over, that's when the problems creep in and override everything else.

Time to sign off.  I hear noises upstairs that mean I will be interrupted shortly and I also need to make lunch and think about cleaning the bathroom.  I will then be called to collect a child and then it will be back to the armchair, checking the football scores and drinking too much tea, chastising myself for not doing anything, again.

/rant over.

  • 1

    @twizzle we live very similar worlds on different sides of the ocean! Make sure you take time my friend!

    Kim Anderson avatar Kim Anderson | Apr 19, 2019 09:18:47
  • 1

    @tao

    Cant you clearly articulate/schedule with your family a slot of time where you just do 'you'? In this case writing? Even if it's just an hour.

    Sir Abe avatar Sir Abe | Apr 06, 2019 21:51:07
  • 1

    @tao At least you wrote. Each day you will build momentum little by little and perhaps that will enable you to figure out a way to carve out a little more time for yourself among all the other tasks of the day.

    Brandon Wilson avatar Brandon Wilson | Apr 06, 2019 06:19:18
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