My fingers feel foreign here, it's been so long since I've written. I'm reminded of my younger days as a runner, sliding on my trainers after a long break. I must have looked like an old man, legs janky, arms swinging awkwardly, and grimacing like I already had arthritis. I wonder what the analogy here is for writing. How do you write like an old man? Slowly? I feel like when I get back to writing it's usually just bad. You don't have to be an old man to write badly.
But, you don't have to be old to run badly either. In my mind, good running is more about consistency than speed. I was never consistent, but I was kind of fast. Even near my peak, I wouldn't say I was a great runner because I couldn't self-motivate. I've never been much of a self-motivator. That sad fact usually comes out in the things I love most. I love to run and read and write, but I can never keep myself consistent for long enough to do any of those things the way I want to.
Recently, I've realized though that it's that very belief that is the problem. Somewhere along the way in my meandering journey through life I started to think that love and commitment were one time deals. That one day I'd say I'd run everyday and do some ceremony to consecrate my love for running and then running and I would live on happily every after. I'd run everyday and love every moment of it because of that one time I decided to run.
Now though, I'm calling bullshit. Whatever we do, we do it one step at a time. When I stay up way later than I should, I do it a minute at a time. Hours don't slip away from me (though they may seem to). When I haven't run for almost a year, what I'm really saying is that I decided not to run everyday for 365 days. I made a decision everyday, not a single commitment.
When I'm struggling with this concept, I'm often reminded of a favorite artist of mine, Andy Mineo. In his song Tug of War, he says of Jesus, "I thought following you meant I only had to say yes once. Now everyday I wake up you give me some cross to take up." In the realm of faith, especially the Christian faith, this idea of onetime commitment is hyper prevalent. And I think that whether it is in faith, work, or relationships, firm long term commitments are a must. I think we [I] misunderstand what that commitment looks like, a daily cross.