I can already feel that blankness coming when I think about what to write. I want to make this a habit though, so I will probably just be writing any random thoughts that come into my head.
I have done journalling before.
After a culmination of acts came to a head, I realised that I have been suffering from quite severe depression for many years. I am not even sure why I was looking on the internet for a way to describe my feelings and trying to pinpoint why I was being the way I was, but I found a list of depression symptoms and it was like an epiphany (complete with rushes of dopamine and tears).
Someone had written exactly the way I was feeling. It was a shock.
After seeing the doctor and getting diagnosed, I was referred to see a counsellor for 6 hours (which was a standard treatment you get for free on the NHS at the time).
The guy who I was assigned to was mad into journalling and had a bag of different notebooks with him. I seem to remember that he was a commuter and would take the train to London each day and write in his journals, rather than stare aimlessly out of the window.
He encouraged me to get a journal and to write each day at the same time, and just dump my brain out, whatever comes to mind.
I used to take a coffee and sandwich and sit in my car during my lunch break and write in my Moleskine about all sorts of random stuff. Some quite deep, some rambling nonsense and some very personal points I would never like anyone to read.
I found the process very therapeutic and I looked forward to writing each day. It was hard at first, but I started to write it as if it was a letter to a friend. As if I was confiding my problems with them.
This was around 8 years ago now.
I have read through the notebook once since then and on reflection, it does not sound quite as bad as it did at the time. I guess that is proof that I am on the outside of the depression bubble right now. Not that I am free of it, just that I am able to remain on the outside.
I really want to burn the notebook though. My kids were young when I wrote it and I know that if they or my wife were to read it now, I would be very embarrassed and ashamed. It should remain personal, so I have it hidden hoping that no-one will find it.
I guess that I am hoping that this platform will become my daily Moleskine and allow me space for some anonymous free thoughts to run wild.