I was self conscious about not being a writer.
I knew it was something that required a lot of time and effort but also something that wouldn't provide value to most people. Just because a book might take someone 1000 hours to produce, doesn't guarantee anymore value to somebody else than a text that took a minute to compose. To someone else it might even be of negative value since it might provide zero benefits and a time sink.
This is why it's hard to make a living off writing. Off of art in general. Art that strikes a balance between self expression and providing value to others is extremely difficult. And this is why only a lucky few get to do it for a living.
The lucky few are revered for this reason. And I wanted that. The fact that they were rare made me want to be one of them even more. I felt that deep down I was special, special enough to receive recognition for it.
I grew self conscious that I wasn't making a living off writing. I was self conscious that I had to work a regular job. And sometimes I wouldn't know whether I was more self conscious for not having already made it as a writer, or for having to work a regular job like everyone else