I didn't understand it, so I rewrote it.
I did this recently with an article about design thinking. It was an easy enough read. So, why was it oil & water? I'd shake it up with each sentence and by the time I got to the period, the separation would start.
I know what a hat is because I wear hats. I've had baseball hats, cowboy hats and hats that are more for costumes than everyday use. But, a hand-knit beanie doesn't fit in the category of hat. It is a hat. I just don't call it a hat.
Imagine trying to describe it.
A thing that goes on your head.
Sorta.. but what kind of hat?
A single line is not enough. A couple more lines might get you there. It's hand made. It's knit or crochet. Beanie? Exactly.
The ideas we have in our heads when writing aren't always sufficient to put the right picture in somebody else's head. The gap is what makes Pictionary™ enjoyable. We know what we're trying to draw, but we don't always have the time or skill to reveal it with illustration alone.
Writing words... Show don't tell. I've heard that phrase before. Use words that stimulate the senses.
The light suddenly went dark. My skin turned into chicken flesh as the cold breeze wafted in. I sat still. Listening. The front door creaked.
-- no answer
I'm paralyzed as I hear heavy footsteps moving toward me.