First day of the new job today, and i am already questioning everything in my life. Come to think of it, i have been doing so for a while. My occupation, my relationships, how i spend my time.Every aspect of my reality is questioned, in some way or another. The thing is, is the way i’m living my life right for me?
I am looking for this carrot you see, this one thing i can dedicate my life to. And, despite everything my younger self believed, i can’t find this satisfaction in either money, nor stature. The buddha said that if i stop desiring, i will cease to suffer. Yet wanting to stop desire, is desire itself, so i guess that's not the way to go. The thing is tho, i am looking for a reason to get up in the morning, something i can get right. My journey of self discovery is fueled by the fire to discover this “love of something” within me. I believe i have been given some clues one of which i am doing right now; Writing down my thoughts.
Now, i might be doing this for two reasons; one is a form of analysing my head intellectually and with the right method. The other, to clear my head so that i might use it more effectively doing reason number 1. They both serve the same purpose. It seems i am at a tireless pursuit of finding a self. Everything i do daily seems to be connected to this task.
Some men, a lot smarter than I, told me to spend my time doing what I really want to. Now that is a two sided coin because you want to take care of yourself, and do what is necessary, but you want to enjoy yourself doing it. Now, how do you live a life like that?
Alan Watts said to find a way in which you get paid for playing, now that makes sense. But how can you do that, when you don’t know what you want to play yet?
If you ever feel or have felt the same, please feel free to discuss this with me, i would love your input