I wake up with a headache not because I drank too much but cause I hardly drank any water. I can't even drink water, I tell myself. I turn on the tap and fill up the glass from last night and down it. I do this three times.
I need to go buy some spring water, but can't justify the purchase. Even though I feel guilty drinking from the tap. I think of the numerous times my mom told me not to drink from it. And I hate her for it. I hate her because now I can't even drink water for free. I'm guilted into going to the store and fucking pay money for water that they're pumping out of the ground just a couple miles from Flint where kids are drinking lead.
I drive over to the library, which is filled with homeless people drooling over the keyboards. They look like the same batch of people day in and day out. While waiting for a computer to open up, I wonder what the hell are they doing here.
My laptop was recently stolen. And my shitty Samsung is a smart phone but it's so fucking slow I can't look for jobs on it. My dad offered to buy me a new computer, but I said no this time.
I fell for it when I was first about to head to college. He offered, no insisted, to buy me a Macbook Pro, top of the line, which I found overkill. But he insisted. He kept saying that it would give him pleasure to provide me with the tools I needed for school. I should've said no... I did say no, but he kept pushing, and the night I finally said yes, we were drinking together, IPAs on a late summer night. And in that moment, I sincerely felt like, yes.... I would need a top of the line Macbook Pro. And yes, my dad would love getting it for me, and yes, I would love using it at school.
But look what happened. I left it in my car for just two hours and some asshole had to steal it. I told my dad that I had only left it in the car for ten minutes. I thought he would blow up. And he kind of did for a second... at least on the inside. Maybe it was an implosion rather than explosion. But then he offered to buy me another. This time, it hurt me to say no even more than before. But I had to put my foot down. No.
When it was finally my turn to get on one of the library computers, I sit down. Five minutes later I'm browsing Reddit. And then my time is up. The closest thing to job hunting I reached was opening a tab to Indeed.com.
While walking around aimlessly, I can't get the picture of the homeless people who sit on library computers all day everyday. I can't stop hating them. I can't stop thinking that I'm just like them, but only if it weren't for my parents paying for everything. Without my parents I would just be like them. And I wish I could just be like them. But of course my parents love me and wouldn't let me fall to such low rungs of society. But I wish I could just be... but now I'm too indebted into them. Maybe if I hadn't gone to college on their dime and accepted a car from them and the laptop and all this other shit. Fuck.
-- Why do you look like such a bitch?
-- Jackie, what's up?
-- I'm grabbing lunch with a friend. You free? I think you'd like this person.