I did quite a bit of things today but I am still bored. That's the reason I am here, to write about how bored I am. Well, I watched several dramatic movies that got me slightly teary cause it was close to home. The movies I watched were mostly about bullying. Well, I didn't specifically pick those but I let youtube dazzled me with whatever was available for download.
One of interesting movie I watched was about a fat boy who got picked on at school. It was difficult to watch because I know how it was like to be that person. The scars aren't easy to heal. Heck, I know first hand what it was like to be bullied because our physical appearance. Then, I know first hand what it was like to suffer from eating disorder, low self-confidence, messed up body image as result of continuous bullying.
Well, as I grew up, I understand kids tend to say mean things. However when adults are involved, something is wrong. That's what happened to me. Even until now, the way I think about human beauty, food and confidence aren't in the perfect state. I hate to say that my low self-confidence hinders me from being the best version of myself.
It doesn't matter how many people say I am good-looking-I still never think I am enough. I have days where I don't eat at all because I think food is monster or when I relapse because the hell with everything. I also eat because I want to hide. But you know, if you eat to hide, you'll be seen.
The movie made me realize that we shouldn't change because someone's judgment. We should change because we want it and it's good for us. It resonates with my own experience, when I work out so heavily just to get the perfect summer body. My motivation was wrong because I just want to be liked. Despite putting a rigorous workout routine, in the end, it was just one of those yoyo diets I had.
For me personally, I get fat because what I put inside my mouth. Food is my sole escape since I quit drinking and traveling. Also, when I get bored, I eat. Food is comfort and a friend basically.As a result, sometimes I can gain weight so easily.
When I snapped out of it, I hate myself. Then I will do fasting for days. But you know, it's a horrible cycle. Never starve yourself when you're dieting.
I think being fat stops me from doing cool stuff like parkour or just jumping from one fence to another. I tend to do extreme sports and currently being a fat person stops me from doing so.
In a positive note, the movie motivate me to burn excess I have and realize that everything is a long term, not short term.