Feb 09, 2019 20:49:44

46. Яebel

by @zyumbik | 482 words | 46🔥 | 66💌 | 8💧

G̷͕̳͝l̴̨̟̏̃̆̚e̷̳͇͖͑̔b̴̞̱̦͕̼͇̔̽̀̽͒ ̸̈́̆͒̀̉ ̵̨̪̈́̒Sa̴͇͊b̵̨̅͆i̶̖͑̄r̶̩̘̊̒̕z̷̟̀͑y̴͚͉̎͘à̸̃͜ͅn̶̤̲̜͊͐ỏ̵͈͔̑v̴

Current day streak: 46🔥
Total posts: 66💌
Total words: 20946 (83 pages 📄)
Broken streaks: 8💧

Yesterday I took a quiz and it revealed that my tendency is to be a rebel. That was quite surprising for me, as I always was very shy. Ønce upon a time I even got a medal at school for being the most quiet person (everyone else from my class got medals for other qualities). And in my eyes, some people surrounding me were rebels, but I never considered myself to be one of them. How does it work? 

If you think about it, it's exactly what makes me a rebel. I always wanted to be on my own, not dependent on anyone else. I kept myself away from the crowd because I wanted to be different. If someone is trying to make me do something — I am less likely to do it. Even if I'm pushing myself — I will probably do the opposite, just because I don't follow anyone's advice, even my own. 

I always enjoyed following the rules. Not running a red light, not getting late to school and attending all the classes, wearing uniform. But why does that make me a rebel? Because my peers were different, they were trying to break those rules. I never run a red light not because I want to obey the rules, but because I see a lot of people around who disobey them. I want to look very patient and keep waiting until the green turns on, while others are already walking when the cars stopped. For precisely the same reason I always hated fast food and other unhealthy things like Coke-Cola or chips. Yeah, I don't like mainstream culture. 

The same thing applies to meeting my inner expectations. I cannot push myself to do certain things. It only makes me want to do them even less. I only can do things that make me who I imagine myself to be. This essentially means doing only what I want to do. I'd like to clarify that it's different from being egoistic. I want to be a useful person by sharing the knowledge and experience with others and being empathetic, I want to make this world a better place by learning and applying the creative problem-solving skills to complex problems. 

But how can I do things when I can't force myself to do them? The key here is to look through the lens of who I want to be — how I see myself now and in the future, — who I want to become. I've been procrastinating a lot recently, and I'm slowly trying to stop it. That's cool, but how do I actually continue working? I think that I lost the understanding of who I am becoming and why I'm doing all of that. I just need a bit of meditation, self-reflection and thinking about who I want to be — I need to deign my own life. 

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