Sometimes I like to think I know what love is and other days I'm left wondering, 'what the absolute fuck is this shit?' Exhausting! to say the least.
What I have come to realize by interacting with people is that love comes in different sizes and shape to different people. Love looks like different things to different people. It is not a straight jacket that fits everyone - more like that saying that 'there is no perfect person but there are people perfect for each other'.
I wonder if I will ever get to feel and be felt that wholly and authentically. Love looks like freedom to me. The only time I felt anything close to that was from my relationship that ended almost 2 years ago. It was the closest thing to being loved in freedom even though the latter part before we finally severed ties,it felt like I was suffocating.
I do not accept just any kind of love that is served to me. If it is not something that makes me feel settled in myself I do not take it. Sometimes, I wonder if there is the likelihood of me ending up alone like I have always thought. Am I being overly stringent? There are days that I yearn for that feeling of getting warmth and attention from one person but at what cost?
I really think I am in a good place right now by making sure I don't make any commitments I cant live up to. It will be unfair to myself and the party involved. right now, my focus is on learning to intentionally work hard and getting to a comfortable place.
The feeling of loving and being loved is a very amazing one and I would want to experience that at least once before I die.