For a long time I wasn't living a good life. And during this time, I desperately clung on to my girlfriend as external validation for me doing something right. I told myself that as long as she was in my life, I was still good. No matter how shitty the other parts of my life were.
This was a desperate arrangement because the entire time I was not concerned of things that mattered -- rest of my life -- and only fixated on retaining this external thing I had. And it made me angry at times. Because I would feel trapped.
My girlfriend went to Finland for three weeks and during this time I went to spend that entire time at my parents' house. During that time, I drove around the old highways I used to call home, listening to a lot of Born to Die and thought a lot about things.
The trapped feeling I had was from a long long time ago. I haven't felt that way recently. And had my girlfriend been more closer to the normal (statistically) girlfriend, she would've dumped my ass years ago. But then, who knows where I would have ended up--I'm thinking confused and sad like a lot of young men I meet today.
But during these three weeks at home without my girlfriend, I felt invincible. I felt so strong and clear headed. I knew that I didn't need my girlfriend in the same way I once did. Now I simply had the option... not the obligation... to offer my love to someone. And it's funny but also charming, that love offered unconditionally feels so much better than a budgeted, fiscal transaction of it. Is the latter even possible? I say not.