Moriah wonders my reasons for working out so much. Am I getting ready for spring break? Or just self conscious about my body? Funny but it has less to do with my body and more my mind, because exercising is one of few activities that lets me feel free these days.
In high school the days may have bored or annoyed me to the point where the air felt thick. But it wasn't until my first semester at college, last semester, that I experienced suffocation. Boredom could never lead me to rethink my life, but the crushing weight of helplessness could. And apparently did.
Maybe it was the explicit contrast between school and not being school. Whatever it was, while back at my parents' house after the semester for winter break, I realized... no knew that I never ever wanted to feel that way again.
I returned to spring break a new person. Or at least determined to be a new person. None of the friends I'd made last semester knew of such volition at first. They treated me like the old Talia, which is fair; I wasn't her yet. But even more than being a new person, I was even more determined to prove my transformation.
It didn't take long for everyone to start seeing me differently. To stop reaching out to me and inviting me to parties. All of them, but one, wrote me off, which wasn't the outcome I was striving for, but also was unfazed by. That one was Moriah who still hung out with the rest of the party crew from last year, but still hung out with me.
And now that it was time to start signing leases for the upcoming year, she wanted to live with me instead of with them. I was beginning to notice the same constriction of last semester. It was happening again.
"Why do you work out so much Talia?"
so i can breathe, I think to myself.