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Jul 17, 2019 05:46:00

I never saw him cry.

by @brianball PATRON | 343 words | 1🔥 | 305💌

Brian Ball

Current day streak: 1🔥
Total posts: 305💌
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I was feeling emotion deeply. I normally don't. Not like this. Not as a bodily sensation. I was dreaming about my life more than twenty years ago. It lasted less than twenty minutes - in earthquake terms, that's forever. In emotional terms, I imagine it's on the short end of the spectrum.

Personality tests determine that there are thinkers and feelers. I score high as a thinker. In my experience, that means there's a disconnect between my head and my heart. I can think painful thoughts, but they never cause me to feel deeply. I must have trained myself to joke and use sarcasm to distract myself from the scary, unwanted, out-of-control bodily sensations. As an adult, I am curious about this full-body experience. As a child, I felt afraid.

When I was 8, I got some fish. Something I could spend time with; I could care for; I could connect with. I don't remember the details or whose idea it was. I just remember lying on the bed watching the fish with my dad. I remember him trying to explain why he wasn't going to be around any more. I don't remember if the D-word was ever actually used. If it was, I didn't know what it meant. I just remember crying — I didn't understand it and words weren't helping. My dad's words didn't help and nobody else offered any.

This morning, I wanted to cry. I wanted to completely feel something and yet the faucet was dry. The emotion was present and full-body, but not painful per se. I wonder what caused it. A dream perhaps?

Today is my grandfather's birthday. I was thinking about how his dad wasn't around when he was young. Or worse, his dad was around, but busy getting his own needs met rather than being available for his children. He was born in 1928. He passed away a couple of years back. I never saw him cry. Happy Birthday Papa.

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    @brianball
    "There's a disconnect between my head and my heart."
    I have read your post five times: twice last night, once in the morning and twice this evening. And I wrote a page on my journal about my 'disconnection'.

    I'm not a feeler, it's my choice to split my head and heart apart.
    Also, my parents are physically available, but I haven't say D-word and M-words since I'm around 6. It's my choice to lose them mentally.
    Every day, I'm keeping my balance to avoid feeling deeply.

    5plus6 avatar 5plus6 | Jul 18, 2019 20:31:59
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    @brianball - This is a very honest writing Brian. I am a feeler and I feel what you are writing about. I don't think most people could articulate their emotions the way you did here - especially as a thinker. This is a good step.
    I cry watching movies and reading posts. You want to be somewhere between how I am and where you are.
    Please write more and share.

    Keni avatar Keni | Jul 17, 2019 10:36:54
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    @brianball

    "I can think painful thoughts, but they never cause me to feel deeply. I must have trained myself to joke and use sarcasm to distract myself from the scary, unwanted, out-of-control bodily sensations. "

    I think this is quite ubiquitous and can be dangerous. I think that you are in a great position to actually develop the feeley side of yourself. Some people never have such a chance and forever go in a blunted world of jokes/sarcasms to hide the pain... and they forget to know that that's what happening.

    Just like Love is a great skill that takes a ton of practice, I think that for a thinker, being in touch with feeling is as well.

    Sir Abe avatar Sir Abe | Jul 17, 2019 15:00:22
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      @abrahamKim - thank you. It helps to have that reflected back to me.

      Brian Ball avatar Brian Ball | Jul 17, 2019 06:25:37
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