I don't live alone. Most my time is linked to my gf. And so whenever I'm left alone, it feels like I'm taking my first step into a body of water. Only my foot doesn't fall through but lands on top. And I can stand. Then I take another step. And another. And soon I realize that I can walk on water. I feel invincible. But eventually, walking on water doesn't provide this same elation.
I remember we went to Finland together. We were there for about three weeks, but she would be gone for about 9 days of it... off at a summer seminar. I had gone with her, by bus, from our AirBnb to the Helsinki airport. It was very early in the morning... maybe 5 or 6 in the morning. But the bus was crowded. It was the weekend and there were a bunch of people finally going home after a night of partying. One of the most interesting bus rides I've ever taken.
My gf made sure to tell me how I was to get back to Helsinki. She made sure to remind me of which subway line to take. She was treating me like a kid. And usually people utter that phrase in a negative way. But I liked being treated like a kid. I am a kid. I don't think I'm anything else. And it's a thing I embrace for the time being.
Anyways, once I got home, I ate brunch at a local hippie boujee location. And then I watched hours and hours of TV. I didn't want to do anything but watch TV. I felt so alone. Foreign land. Nobody I knew around me. Different cultural milieu.
Finnish summers are strange. The days are extremely long. Long as in the sun's still out near midnight. I remember that night. After pulling the drapes over the windows and climbing into bed, I remember that when my head fell into the pillow, it felt as though my it'd fallen 1000 feet.
Immediately my buddy Ron came into mind. He was a 38 year old man, but had been single for the most part for a very long time. I just imagined every night, him falling into his bed and pillow alone. Over and over again.