Because I wanted to communicate with you in a way that took time and effort. I didn't want to just send another text. Also I didn't want to send you an email with a list of questions. I hate those email exchanges actually. Like it's nice to hear from ppl from the past, but sometimes when those email exchanges just turn into back-and-forth game of 21 questions it's a bit silly.
I've been meaning to write you though. Since the beginning of the year I've been in a work state of mode so I haven't been good at doing social friend stuff like this. But come to speak of that, I feel like you and I have barely spoken! This is how friends become old friends. It's not as difficult as I once thought it was.. like I once saw how friends grew apart and thought I'd never let that happen with someone who I ought to be close with. But here we are. Almost a year after you r wedding, and we have barely spoken. Weird how that can happen.
I'm 100% okay obtaining distance between people who generally just are headed a different direction than me, but with us, it feels as thought we're headed the same way. It feels like we are like meant to still be friends. So I don't know why I don't reach out that much. You're like a good habit for me is what I'm trying to say. You know how like good habits are the ones where, you really don't want to start doing them, but when you do do start doing them they make you feel good? And then if you don't sustain the discipline to keep it up, within a week the habit can be gone just like that? That's how I view our relationship.
We never made our relationship a habit. It's like we had these spontaneous moments of energy and greatness. And then I would be thinking to myself right after -- usually during a long drive -- I need to hang out with Lee more. And then it would be back to life though. And the good habit would've never formed.
I realized that my best friendships have been ones that forged out of a habit-like nature. Like Joel and I had a habit of hanging out and have become more or less forged as best friends for life. With you, it's like we never formed that habit.... but for some reason I still feel like you and I could still be best friends. I imagine these conversations when people ask me how I'm related to you, and I always reply that he's one of my best friends. But deep down, I know that we actually haven't put in the work yet to be that way. So it's like our relationship is a startup... one that has yet to figure out how to make money but is prospected to create a lot of value for people in the economy... somehow.
Now there's two ways to go with that. We can either become true and fulfill that prospect, or we can crash and burn. Now that I've gotten older and have been able to examine what the hell is actually going on and why the hell they happen the way they happen, I've been able to see that the spontaneous moments of us having moments together were indeed not just spontaneous. Now I can see that they've been you all this time!
It amazed me at the wedding. How many people you have in you life, and you still made time and spent the energy to actually make these moments happen magically, so magically that I misperceived them as simply being spontaneous when it was actually just hard-sweat on your part.
Anyways. I've been coming to the conclusion and understanding that very little of the world that we care about as humans is due to chance. We like to think it is, but actually most of it is due to intentions. And I guess I've been struggling with this. For the longest time, if it looks like I didn't try at things like social, or anything in life really, it's because of this burning self conscious that I wasn't supposed to. I let people and the world and most importnatly myself, convince me that one wasn't supposed to try. That the world was just chance. That the world was just magic.
But now that I'm getting older. i've been able to see more and more, that the magic is not in chance and powerlessness... the magic is actually in the accepting of power and responsibility and standing by your damn intentions.
Let's hang out 'spontaneously' soon. Haha what kind of hang out would you like to do? Full-on sightseeing? City touring and gorging on food? Arts/shows related? Work-cation type thing?
List out a bunch of stuff, and I'll try to make something 'spontaneous' happen.
Love from near Brown County Bitch,